Adapted by James Sexton. Enter  old Polonius, with his man [Reynaldo] or two. Polonius Marry,  well said, very well said. Reynaldo As gaming,  my lord? Polonius Ay, or drinking, fencing, swearing, Quarreling,  drabbing  —you may go so far. By the mass, I was about to say something.
Where did I leave? See you now, Your bait of falsehood takes this carp  of truth, And thus do we of wisdom and of reach, With windlasses  and with assays of bias,  By indirections find directions  out; So by my former lecture  and advice Shall you my son. You have me,  have you not? Polonius Observe his inclination in yourself. Reynaldo Well, my lord.
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Exit Reynaldo. Enter Ophelia. Ophelia He took me by the wrist, and held me hard. Long stayed he so. At last, a little shaking of mine arm, And thrice his head thus waving up and down, He raised a sigh so piteous and profound That it did seem to shatter all his bulk  And end his being. Polonius Come, go with me. I will go seek the King.
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This is the very ecstasy  of love, Whose violent property fordoes itself  And leads the will to desperate  undertakings As oft as any passion under heaven That does afflict our natures. I am sorry. What, have you given him any hard words of late? Polonius That hath made him mad. I am sorry that with better heed  and judgment I had not quoted  him. I feared he did but trifle And meant to wrack  thee; but beshrew my jealousy!
Come, go we to the King. This must be known,  which, being kept close,  might move More grief to hide than hate to utter love. Enter  King, Queen, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern [with others]. King Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Moreover that  we much did long to see you, The need we have to use you did provoke Our hasty sending.
I entreat you both That, being of  so young days brought up with him, And since so neighbored to his youth and humor, That you vouchsafe your rest  here in our court Some little time, so by your companies  To draw him on to pleasures, and to gather So much as from occasions you may glean,  Queen Good gentlemen, he hath much talked of you, And sure I am two men there is not living To whom he more adheres.
Rosencrantz Both your majesties Might, by the sovereign power you have of us,  Put your dread pleasures  more into command Than to entreaty. Queen Ay, amen. Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern [and other Courtiers]. Enter Polonius.
King Thou still  hast been the father of good news. Polonius Have I, my lord?
My news shall be the fruit  to that great feast. King Thyself do grace  to them, and bring them in. Enter Polonius, Voltemand, and Cornelius. King Well, we shall sift him. Say, Voltemand, what from our brother Norway? Whereon old Norway, overcome with joy, Gives him three thousand crowns in annual fee  And his commission to employ those soldiers So levied as before against the Polack, With an entreaty herein further shown [Giving a letter to the King] That it might please you to give quiet pass  Through your dominions for his enterprise On such regards of safety and allowance  As therein  are set down.
Meantime, we thank you for your well-took labor. Most welcome home! Exeunt Ambassadors. Polonius This business is well ended.
WRAPPED TOO TIGHT [Sex-Fiend Monologues I] by Rusty Cuffs – Sizzler Editions
My liege  and madam, to expostulate  What majesty should be, what duty is, Why day is day, night night, and time is time, Were nothing but to waste night, day, and time. Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit, And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,  I will be brief. Your noble son is mad. But let that go.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
Queen More matter with less art. Polonius Madam, I swear I use no art at all. Mad let us grant him, then. And now remains That we find out the cause of this effect, Or rather say the cause of this defect, For this effect defective comes by cause. Now gather and surmise. But you shall hear. Polonius Good madam, stay  awhile, I will be faithful.
But that I love thee best, oh, most best, believe it. Thine evermore, most dear lady, whilst this machine is  to him, Hamlet. This in obedience hath my daughter shown me, And, more above, hath his solicitings, As they fell out, by time, by means, and place, All given to mine ear.
Performing the Defiant Female Voice
But what might you think, When I had seen this hot love on the wing— As I perceived it I must tell you that Before my daughter told me—what might you, Or my dear majesty your queen here, think If I had played the desk or table-book,  Or given my heart a winking, mute and dumb,  Or looked upon this love with idle sight,  What might you think? Polonius Take this from this,  if this be otherwise.
If circumstances lead me, I will find Where truth is hid, though it were hid indeed Within the center.
King How may we try  it further? Polonius You know sometimes he walks four hours together Here in the lobby. Be you and I behind an arras  then; Mark the encounter.
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Polonius Away, I do beseech you both, away. How does my good Lord Hamlet? Hamlet Well, God-a-mercy. Hamlet Excellent, excellent well. Hamlet For if the sun breed maggots in a dead dog, being a good kissing carrion—  Have you a daughter?
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